I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize