??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
