I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
