You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
