If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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