It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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