video games are the ultimate cock blocker
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize