i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
