There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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