she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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