One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
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