Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
