I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
