Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
