She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
