god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
