Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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