I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
