and you said cock pushups were impossible
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
