In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I wear drunk well.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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