Will you blow on my dice?
My friends, they love my intelligence
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
