I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Sext me about skeletons
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Randomize
