I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
