i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
