did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
