Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
