i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
