I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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