They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
