I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
