Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Randomize