So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
