new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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