So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
