just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
