walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
