just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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