Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I will be naked everywhere
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
