I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Randomize
