I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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