I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
