based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
