I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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