Michael Bay diarrhea
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
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