I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
