i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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