he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
