my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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