So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
