Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
