She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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