Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
