can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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