I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
