Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
