Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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