There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Randomize
