After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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